Wineskins Contributor・04/14/19

A Minister with Depression

I have depression.

I have for years. I’mtold it’s a consequence of all the drugs that fried my brain and altered thechemicals whooshing around in there–I’m told. I go to a Psychiatrist. I have acounselor. I take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. In 2019 I willtake 2,145 pills to battle my depression and anxiety. 

A lot of folks viewdepression as a character flaw; something you should just “get over.” I wish itwas that easy. I honestly have nothing I should be ‘depressed’ by. I have agreat life, an amazing wife and beautiful kids I’m so proud of. I’m nothomeless. I’m in good health. I have what I need and then some. It isn’t like aI have some kind of “feeling” I can turn off and on.  It's not that simple.I’ve prayed and screamed to God so often that I wish it could be like that. Itisn’t. 

My depression hasprofound impacts on my life. It makes me not want to get up. It makes me stayup late. It makes me treat my family poorly because I’m irritable. I’d ratherstay home and do nothing than go out. That’s pretty hard to pull off ifyou’re a minister. Most days I feel like I’ve run a marathon when I haven’teven hardly done anything. I prefer quiet. I need a lot of alone time. That’sdifficult when you’re a pastor. 

I love my calling. Ilove my job. I love my church. Yet, depression still tries to strip a lot ofthat away. A lot of folks may misunderstand me because of my depression. I maynot seem to pay attention, or I may come across as distant or rude. That’s noton purpose. Some days, it’s all I can do to just breath. I’m often irritableand snap. I promise I never want to hurt anyone, but I am not a socialbutterfly. 

I’m not one of thoseministers who can smile all the time and be friendly to everyone at a moment’snotice. Members have even told me, “You know, for a minister, you’re not toofriendly.” Part of that is my introverted nature. The other is just trying toget through the day. 

Sometimes I’ll forgetto call you or check in if you’re going through something. Some days I mightforget many things. Things you asked me to help you work through, things youasked me to research for you, or to get you something you needed.  

I struggle to get upand preach on occasion because I feel so exhausted that all I want to dois go back to sleep. I struggle to pray–A LOT. Don’t misunderstand. It isn’tbecause I don’t believe in the power of prayer–I absolutely do! I strugglebecause I can’t pay attention or I’m fighting being irritable, sleepy, andgroggy. 

There’s a lot ofundesirable effects of the medication. Forgetfulness. Nausea. Headaches.Spacey-ness. Drowsiness. Stomach issues. However, they outweigh the negatives.They also cause seeming anti-social or uncaring behaviors are not onpurpose. The LAST thing I want to do is appear uncaring, inattentive, orhurtful. But understand that’s just going to happen. 

I sometimes wish Icould switch my depression off. I hate the feelings it brings. Sometimes itmakes me doubt God, but mostly it makes me want to be alone. I love playingwith my kids. I love hanging with my wife. I love my friends. But, I havedepression, and sometimes, without me knowing, or despite my best efforts tofight back, it gets the best of me. 

If you’re reading thisand struggling with depression, know that you are not alone. Let’s get coffee.Let’s chat. But don’t suffer in silence. There are a lot of myths and stigmaassociated with mental health issues. There shouldn’t be. We don’t stigmatizepeople with high blood pressure or diabetes. Why would this be anydifferent? 

If you’re a ministerand reading this, know also that you are not alone. You aren’t the only onefeeling this way. We take on some of the heaviest burdens and when you add thatto your own, it can be overwhelming. Talk to your doctor. Pray with your wife.Speak to your shepherds. Pray. Depression doesn’t disqualify you from theministry. Lying about it might. 

If you want to help,then bring attention to mental health in the church. Let us de-stigmatize it.Let us know that almost everyone in the room on Sunday morning (statistically)has some sort of mental illness. Let us get comfortable in sharing thatand helping each other. 

I want to close with astory, then a scripture. When I first became a Christian and when I was reallystruggling with depression and panic attacks while still experimenting andtrying to find the medications that worked, I cried out to God. One night, Iwas so distraught and depressed, and I said, “Jesus, why aren’t you helping me?You don’t know how horrible this feels!” I had the Bible in front of me and Iopened it up. This was the Scripture my eyes went to: 

He [Jesus] took Peter and the two sons of Zebedeealong with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said tothem, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here andkeep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to theground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken fromme. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” – Matthew26:37-39 

That’s when I knew thatJesus knows. That He experienced it. He went through it. That’s why the writerof Hebrews says: 

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:14-16 

Jesus knows. And oneday, I won’t have depression any more. But today I do, and I will live to helpand serve those who do, and those who have anything else. 

The biggest lie Satan tempts you to believe is that you are alone. You’re not. You never were. God walks with you. He hasn’t forgotten about you. He loves you. He weeps at thepain we go through. He holds us. He carries us. He is with us. He is God, andHe will see us through. Don’t give up.