My Story
Wineskins Contributor・08/13/19
Note: I will admit, right from the beginning, that telling this story is difficult. It feels risky and vulnerable.My prayer is that my words are seasoned with grace and love. I will be honest.I will be real. And it may be uncomfortable at times, but I think the risk isworth it. I am deeply committed to the belief that we all have stories to share, and that our stories matter. We are all part of this narrative of God’s kingdom, and we are all on this journey of faith together. I love the church, and I love her people. This is my story as a woman in Churches of Christ called to ministry.
I grew up in the Church of Christ, born in 1980. As a child the implied narrative was that only men preached, taught adults, or spoke and participated in worship gatherings. Women taught kids and worked in dozens of other different ways, but if it involved passing a communion tray, leading prayers, or teaching the word of God to all the people of God – that was only a role for men. This was starkly highlighted when I (loosely) participated in the Lads to Leaders and Leaderettes program. Just the name – “Leaderettes,” speaks volumes about the Church of Christ ethic regarding women. When I was a little older, in youth group, I was always a bit of a Bible nerd – I really liked studying the Bible, being in class, and learning. I was the one who took notes as a 13-year-old and asked for Max Lucado books for Christmas. And I was a pretty avid Bible reader. I probably read the whole Bible at least a couple of times throughout high school. And so it was confusing to read texts like Genesis 1 in which both male and female were created in the image of God, and Galatians 3 where “there is no male and female” in Christ, and I Corinthians 11 where it is presumed that women are praying and prophesying in public, and then to read I Timothy 2 and the instruction that women are to be silent and not teach or have authority over men. But we didn’t really talk about these texts in church, what they meant, or how to interpret them. It was, always, just the “way things were:” male leadership in all areas of teaching/preaching/leading in any way publicly. I had zero examples of women doing any of those things in public spaces in which men were around, and honestly, I had no imagination for it being any other way.
In high school, I attended an ecumenical Christianschool, which still had a strong view of male leadership, but was also veryopen to women leading in public spaces (worship leading, prayer, testimony, andpreaching - although they didn’t necessarily call it preaching). But again, allof my Bible teachers were men. This began opening my eyes and my heart to thenudge of the Holy Spirit in realizing that maybe things aren’t as black andwhite as they seem. There was a much wider Christian world out there that Ididn’t know existed.
I entered college an elementary ed major. I am notsure what led me down that road, but I very quickly discovered that it wasn’tmy elementary ed classes that sparked life in me, it was my Bible classes, arequired piece of my Christian college experience. I didn’t know what I wasgoing to do long term, but I knew this was the space I wanted to spend the nextfour years in. I changed my major to Bible and Communication, and I oftenreceived the question: what are you going to do with that,which simply emphasized the point that women don’t “belong” in this space. Ican guarantee you that all of my male-Bible-major counterparts did not receive that question asked in that way. I began answering (deferring)the question by saying, “Go to grad school.” It was in college, through my ownstudy and reading, that I began exploring the various ways the texts aboutwomen in the Bible are interpreted, and I realized that there was a wholeconversation out there that I didn’t even know existed. I held those things inmy heart, and pressed forward, not knowing or fully understanding where Godmight be leading me.
I met and married my husband, Brian, while in college, and he was a fellow Bible major – we were super Bible nerds together. We kicked around dreams of church planting and mission work, and ended up in Petoskey for three years doing youth ministry together. We moved back to Rochester so that Brian could begin grad school, and I began working in the church office, mostly assisting in ministry related projects. We moved to Lansing shortly after, and I also began grad school, studying New Testament and Theology, which is what I always intended to do, eventually. It was during my first semester of grad work that I took my first preaching class, a requirement of the program. That was a watershed moment for me – to sit in a room of all men and hear things like: “that was a beautiful sermon; you are really gifted,” and to explore the possibility that maybe I do actually have a voice. It became evident that I had to figure out what it meant that my real, lived experience spoke a different story than the narrative I had lived in up until that point. I knew, during my Master’s Program, that I would eventually land back in school for a terminal degree. Why? Because the academy is my safe space – it is a space in which I am affirmed and encouraged to explore my gifts. And, I had a hunch that teaching (not kids, adults!) might be in my future.
I began to understand that this isn’t a conversation about “roles;” it is a conversation about justice - I am not a “problem” to be solved. I am a real, living, human person, created in the image of God, with a story and a calling and a promise that the Spirit of God has been poured out inand on me too. My eyes were opened tothe wide vistas of biblical interpretation, and the even wider vistas of theological possibility. My thoughts and questions, during that time, looked like this:
The Bible is one way to know God; it’s not the only way – the Spirit isworking in us, through creation, and in ways we can’t even imagine.
We are inconsistent in our hermeneutics – the ways we interpret andapply scripture – we are quick to apply the so-called “plain” meaning (which doesn’tactually exist – every reading of scripture isan interpretation) in some instances, but not in others. (In texts like I Tim2, we gloss over the whole first part of the chapter, assuming that liftingholy hands and the ban against gold jewelry and braided hair do not apply to us.)
We also apply strange logic: for example, why would it be okay for awoman to teach children who are more vulnerable, but not grown men who canbetter discern? Or why is it okay for a woman to pray in other times/spaces butnot our “sacred” hour on Sunday? Who decided on those boundaries and where didthey come from?
The gospel’s wildly inclusive nature is the major narrative in the early church – the early churchstruggled with Gentile inclusion, and the church continues to struggle withracial, ethnic, socio economic, gender, (the list could continue) justice –this is not a new problem. And so, I came to believe that if the gospel is goodnews for anyone, it has to be good news for everyone. I think that looks likelonger tables with more chairs.
And so, I wondered, is there a place for me and my gifts in church - my church?
Ourstint in Lansing only lasted two years, but in that two years, my daughter, Sophie,was born. I will tell you that all of a sudden, this question of gender and thechurch became even more real and urgent. Would my daughter grow up the way Idid? In a church in which the implied (and sometimes quite explicit) narrativeis that your gender determines which gifts you are given and which gifts arepracticed?
In the years I was away in Lansing, a lot of conversations happened in my home church – hard conversations. By the time we moved back to Rochester in 2008, the doors had cracked open. I was invited to be on an adult teaching team for the first time in 2009 – ten years ago, now. I spent four weeks and at least 30 hours in study and preparation for that 45-minute class. I remember Brian (my husband) telling me about his first sermon when he was 14 or 15 – an hour long sermon entitled “25 reasons why you should read the Bible,” and I can recall so many other preacher friends citing similar tales of their “early days” preaching and teaching in which they roll their eyes and talk about how “bad” they were. You see, when you are a woman in a Church of Christ, you haven’t been given opportunities to “fail” graciously in front of a group of people. I was a 29-year-old woman; graduate degree educated, having never so much as read a scripture in public at church. It’s a lot of pressure, especially when the church is used to college professors (from next door at Rochester College). I wasn’t the first woman to speak publicly at Rochester Church, but I was well aware of the wounds of others who had come before me. All I could think was, “Better not screw this up or I will screw it up for us all – all the women.” Ironically, the class was on Judges, and the assigned text for that day was the story of Deborah and Jael. I was walking alongside some pretty incredible, systems-subverting women.
Here’s what I discovered: teaching gave me LIFE. Ifelt fully alive in a classroom, and there was no denying that this was part ofmy vocation - my calling. I graduated with my Master’s shortly after, and beganteaching Intro to Biblical Literature classes at Rochester College. I rememberteaching once at church, seven years ago, in the auditorium, 7 months pregnant,fully mic’d, no denying my female-ness or my voice fully present for all tohear, and feeling like, “okay, we’ve gotten somewhere.”
Since then, in the middle of raising babies, journeyingwith my husband in his ministry, and contributing to our family’s living byworking a variety of jobs, I ignored all of the ways women are still notoffered a seat at the table in the same ways men are. I’ve ignored the systemsof power that make decisions for and about women without including the voicesof women. I’ve tried to be at peace with an all-male “ministry” staff and anall-female “office” staff when truthfully, the messy work of ministry eclipsesall of our defined boundaries and titles. I sighed and moved on each time Isubmitted a woman’s name for the eldership hoping that at least it would open the long-buried conversation about genderjustice, and I did my best to move and work in a church system I didn’t agreewith, but in which I was choosing tosubmit.
I became comfortable in my role as occasional teacheruntil a moment two years ago when what I thought would be a given (a request topreach at a Holy Week Service at my church) was a rejection. This was anotherwatershed moment for me. I don’t know if I was more hurt that the answer wasno, or that I thought the answer would be yes. That experience stirred up a lotof deeply buried emotions, and I felt raw and exposed. For several weeks afterthat “no,” I wrestled with God. I had a renewed angst about the place of womenin the church – specifically my church, that I had buried for several years. Ifelt like I had two choices: bury it for good or pursue my calling more deeply.
There was a moment, when visiting friends later that spring,that I attended their church, and a woman happened to be preaching that day. Icried through the entire service. She read this quote, from Sarah Bessey, whosays: “I often say that when I preach,I'm preaching two messages: there is the one I prepared and prayed and labouredto deliver and then there is the one I'm preaching by simply preaching it as awoman. So when I minister from a pulpit, absolutely there is the sermon Iprepared but there is also the sermon of my presence. The sermon of my presenceis sub-text declaring that God calls women to preach the resurrection, too,that God honours [God’s] daughters, that we aren't disqualified in the Kingdomof God, that no one is "more equal" than anyone else. Sometimes thatsecond sermon is the one that disrupts the most: it requires people to grapplewith their presuppositions and prejudices at times." I decided that itwas the time to go back to school, my safe space, to try and figure out whatGod is up to with me.
Last July, as I shared my journey with my new gradschool cohort and the woman who would become my spiritual director, I began tounderstand my journey as a woman called into ministry as the “uphill climb.”God has been tugging for 30 years, offering an arm to cling to on this journeyupward. Kilimanjaro, a literal mountain I climbed in early 2017, became a beautifulmetaphor for me. Just this past February, I preached for my grad cohort in thequiet, peaceful chapel on Lipscomb’s campus. One of my fellow students, who isa preacher in a church that has ordained women for over 100 years, but whostill faces massive resistance because of her gender, through tears spoke thewords over me: “Beth, you are a preacher.” And friends, as affirming as thosewords are, they are simultaneously painful because it doesn’t feel like thatwill ever be a reality for me. Because, you see, another thing I have been calledto, at least for now, is that I am to “remain in this house, eating what is setbefore you.” So many women, called into ministry, have to make the choice tolean in or lean out; both are important, God-centered choices. I have chosenfor now, to lean in – lean into the tradition that raised me. So, for now, thisis my choice to submit, not becausesomeone told me I have too, — that’s not biblical submission – but because I amchoosing to follow the way of Christ, who did not consider equality with Godsomething to use to his own advantage. And submission doesn’t look like layinglow and hoping things just work out. It means actively seeking, serving,listening, and being available to the movement and Spirit of God who I believeis working in the church for the good of the kingdom. And my choice to submitlooks different than others’ choices to submit. For some of my friends inministry submission to their calling looks like moving out of the environmentsthat restrict them and into new spaces that more fully welcome them. God isworking in it all.
I believe with every breath in me that all of our freedom in Christ is wrappedup in my freedom as a woman in Christ, with the freedom of all marginalizedpeople. We will never experience the fullness of the kingdom until the barriersare torn down and buried. This isn’t just about me; this is about womeneverywhere in the world. It’s about God’s dream for humanity. Carolyn CustisJames talks about how Gen 1:26-28 is God’s “vision casting” for the world –humanity created in the image of God to care for and tend the whole earth, andhow the rest of scripture must be understood in light of the vision God iscasting here. Our identity is as image bearers and partners in mission in theworld with God. We’ve somehow missed this, and de-emphasized this vision, thisvisionary calling for all of us to partner with God, in the ways God has calledand gifted each one of us. We need everyone – we need everyone’s gifts,talents, passions, and abilities. And here’s the thing: there is no hierarchyof gifts – it all matters; it all belongs. I have been in spaces and havesuspected that women can feel like because I want to teach or preach or leadworship that I devalue the gifts and ways women have traditionally served inthe church. May it never be so! A kingdom of inclusivity looks like men andwomen serving together in ALL areas of church ministry. It gives me LIFE to seemen teaching in the children’s ministry. It gives me LIFE to see men workingalongside women behind the scenes. Because you know what, not all men arepassionate or gifted in serving “up front.” Their gifts are discovered behindthe scenes. An ethic of full equality means that we are all freer to discoverwho God has uniquely created us to be. Where would any of us be if it weren’tfor the dedicated women who have served God in the church for hundreds ofyears, baking cookies, rocking babies, and teaching littles to sing “Jesusloves me.” God honors those gifts. And my desire to teach and preach doesn’tnegate that – it’s simply widening the possibilities for the kingdom. Thereis space at the table for us all.
I came across an excerpt from a sermon by VincentVanGogh (yes, the painter) a couple of years ago, and it has become sacred tome as a way to understand my journey:
“I once saw a beautiful picture: it was a landscape, in the evening. Far in the distance, on the right, hills, blue in the evening mist. Above the hills, a glorious sunset, with the grey clouds edged with silver and gold and purple. The landscape is flatland or heath, covered with grass; the grass-stalks are yellow because it was autumn. A road crosses the landscape, leading to a high mountain far, far away; on the summit of the mountain, a city, lit by the glow of the setting sun. Along the road goes a pilgrim, his staff in his hand. He has been on his way for a very long time and is very tired. And then he encounters a woman, or a figure in black, reminiscent of St. Paul’s phrase: ‘in sorrow, yet ever joyful’. This angel of God has been stationed there to keep up the spirits of the pilgrims and answer their questions. And the pilgrim asks: ‘Does the road wind uphill all the way?’ To which comes the reply: ‘Yes, to the very end.’ And he asks another question: ‘Will the day’s journey take the whole long day?’ And the reply is: ’From morn to night, my friend.’ And the pilgrim goes on, in sorrow, yet ever joyful.”